Did you ever had this intense feeling of wanting one thing to happen, which you have been waiting for, for such a long time? But before letting that thing happen you have to achieve a certain goal, which you think at first "Ah, fuck it" but then when you actually let yourself fail, to get the thing you are waiting for faster the feeling of wanting this thing so bad gets less and less. And then it reaches a certain point where you are not sure about that thing anymore and you want to manage to achieve your goals but it's to late already. You have waited for this one day to happen for such a long time, but you have failed now in achieving your goals, which will be reflected over the next few months. It does not feel right at all.
I'm feeling and that feeling now because I disappointed people and disappointed myself. It's like I failed being me. And the worst part is, telling that people, they make you feel better which you can't take. But then there are people who want to change that habit of yours and that's the thing you were scared of the most. That'd be the last possible thing which you ever wanted to happen.
They will just move you somewhere else, hoping you will cope with the new situation more. But you are there, helpless, knowing you won't survive, knowing you won't find friends there because you believe the best friends you had were back in the old place. People tend to say they know me, and I can proudly say of myself, they don't know me at all. They don't know how I work, what I could really do. They don't know me. It's just a mask I put on each day, which I'm used to wear everyday when I see familiar faces. But then as I reach home, where there are no more faces, I put down that mask, and can finally be myself with no one judging me.
& I'm not saying I'm a bad person when I'm only with myself. I have my issues I have to cope with, or which no one can heal, or I believe no one can. I don't want anyone to know so I hide them, effectively - They are not really diseases, but I call them so, because thats what I think I can do. I have small issues which I see as huge issues, and probably if I'd tell people they would laugh because it would be nothing to them It'd be completely normal to them, but to me it's a big thing, and that's why I don't share my issues. Im too scared to not be accepted, I'm scared to be mocked, I'm scared to be excluded or may be treated like only a 'friend' whom you talk to if you need something.
And that is why I put on my mask. This mask has overtaken my whole way of living by now. I'm not that different when I put it off, it's just my tiny huge issues who keep stopping me from throwing that mask away.
People might think I have mental issues, after you'll read this blog. But I don't, it's just what I believe in. Don't you all have your own little secrets and issues? Some of you still play with soft toys or Lego, some of you like to sing infront of the mirror or some. It may be embarrassing for you, so is it for me, that is another reason why I don't show it. I have my own little world when I'm with myself, and I don't want my world get destroyed. I love my imagination because it allows me to be free.
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